Breaking up is (not so) hard to do

Dear East Coast,

First of all, I want to say that you've been mostly great to me over the past 28 years. I don't think had I had the opportunity I would have done many things differently. For the most part, you've been nurturing. And though I'm sure this isn't coming as much of a surprise, given my departure in March, I'm afraid that this break wasn't temporary.

East Coast, I'm leaving you for something better.

I'd like to say "it's not you, it's me," but I can't take all responsibility for our inevitable parting. I think the blame really lies on both of us. Rather than mull over all your flaws and idiosyncrasies, I would rather be positive about this separation. You weren't happy with me, and I wasn't happy with you, so in the end, why designate blame? Better for us to just move on in the right direction, separately.

I'm just happier with the West Coast. Yes, she's better looking. I'm sorry, that was a really low blow, but that's not all it's about. I'm really not THAT superficial. Ok, maybe I am. Seriously, all the people* here on a whole are just more attractive, happier, more welcoming, and more fun. Maybe I'm still coasting (no pun intended) from romping in the woods all weekend in the sunshine, but I really don't think that's it alone. You're allowed to be bitter for the time being, but don't hold on to it for long---your bitterness was one of the things that drove me away.

So I bid you farewell. Good luck in all your future endeavors, and I'm sure at some point we can get together for a little visit to reflect and reminisce about good times spent. Until then, take care.

Warm and sunny regards,
Layla

*The only thing I DO miss about the East Coast are my friends. But all you betches know that right? Come visit me, see what the fuss is about.

Random quickies

Umm, when I heard the news that Clay Aiken was going to be a father, I was shocked. And then I heard it was by artificial insemination to a 50-year-old woman and I was just like "oh, right. obviously." It was much less shocking, and that says a lot.

"The Strangers" was fucking scary. Scary.

Outback Steakhouse is pretty much the shit. And while we're on food, let's talk about Dairy Queen. I had a kit kat blizzard made with chocolate ice cream and it's right up there with corn dogs. Beckstasy was in ecstasy, babaw.

I apparently have the Lyme disease again. What, with all the woods in Jersey City and all the hiking I do, it's no wonder the ticks find me. Even though I've never found them. I'm totally going to a specialist for a second opinion.

My bed was christened. And not by me. LAME.

Ashlee Simpson is married to Pete Wentz and they're having a baby. The poor kid is going to be born in a Massengill box.